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07-2-2013 6:41 pm  #1


We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

I think this would be a good addition to help with the despair felt over robbed goods.

I'll kick it off here with some tobacco jokes.

SMOKE WARNINGS MAKE MALES CRINGE

  A Canadian study shows that smokers seem to have smaller penises,
due to the smoking.
  Health Canada should take note of that penis study.
  There is no doubt that news of reduced size and endurance, if properly
advertised, will end smoking once and for all in the male population...
of this man hath no greater fear.

New Cigarette Package Warning Labels.

*  These cigarettes are king size -- and you're not.

*  Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.

*  If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.

*  Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.

*  Smoke rises -- you may not

*  Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- if you were capable
of conceiving any.

*  Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.

*  How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards if there's no before?

*  The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.

*  Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the
range to put them out.

*  The longer the smoke the shorter the poke. . .

*  Smoke it and see - the big C.

*  Smoking is silly - it shortens your willy. . .

*  Cigarettes prevent children.

 

 

07-2-2013 7:30 pm  #2


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

I said to my mate, "If you keep smoking like that you'll be dead soon".

He said, "Smoking like what?"

I said, "The way you're holding it: you look like a queer. This is a rough area."


http://serve.mysmiley.net/adult/turninggay.gif


UKBA can "manger la merde et mourir" if you'll excuse my french.
 

08-2-2013 5:54 am  #3


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

A woman in our town is in hospital over the horse meat scandal. Doctors say she is stable! Boom Boom.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Went to burger king last night for a whopper. The service person asked if I wanted anything with that? I said yes a fiver each way!!! Boom Boom.

     Thread Starter
 

08-2-2013 6:16 am  #4


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Findus on Long Facebook!

 

08-2-2013 8:40 am  #5


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?"

"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "That would be defeeting the porpoise."


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08-2-2013 12:23 pm  #6


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

'alf inched from http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2849#comic


http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20130108.gif

Last edited by The Blocked Dwarf (08-2-2013 12:24 pm)


"I, uh, let her out the trunk...heard what, err, She snarled at THEM...."

http://i45.tinypic.com/24uxqug.png
 

08-2-2013 10:16 pm  #7


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

All courtesy of "sickipedia"

I was so horrified when I read about the effects of smoking that I gave up reading.

After reading that 'smoking caused cancer in laboratory rats and mice', I have decided to leave my cigarettes on a high shelf, where the rats and mice can't get them.

I bet my wife I could quit smoking, but lost.
I'm not looking forward to telling her she is now the property of "Fat Dave" from work.

I was standing in the street, smoking a fag when a North American Indian girl started chatting me up.
Turned out I was giving off signals.

The bus was taking ages to turn up this morning, so I lit up in the bus shelter.
The woman sitting next to me gave an exaggerated cough, then said, "Excuse me, but do you know that I'm smoking fifteen percent of that?"
"Yes," I replied, "And for free, too."

 

09-2-2013 11:44 am  #8


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

http://i46.tinypic.com/1qr6uc.jpg


http://i45.tinypic.com/24uxqug.png We don't do nice ... we do right!

When cross-border shopping, take your Statement of Truth etc and ALWAYS record the Border Force interviews and NEVER EVER sign their notebook ... Period!
 

10-2-2013 8:27 am  #9


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

"The Brothel"
 
The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie (near Glasgow ) and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
 
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
 
The man replied,  "I want to see Suzy."
 
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.
 
He replied,  "No, I must see Suzy."
 
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.
 
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, the man calmly left.
 
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
 
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
 
"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."
 
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, he left.
 
The following night the man was there yet again.
 
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
 
After their session, Suzy said to the man, 
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
 
The man replied,  " Edinburgh ."
 
"Really," she said.  "I have family in Edinburgh   ."
 
"I know." the man said.  "Your sister died, and I am her solicitor. She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."
 
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1.  Death

2.  Taxes

3.  Being shafted by a solicitor!


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11-2-2013 6:28 pm  #10


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

One Wish
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make this woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge"?

Last edited by Yorky (11-2-2013 6:30 pm)

 

15-2-2013 8:37 am  #11


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

*This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed.** ** It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.* ** **** *

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. ** **I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. ** **I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.** ** Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. ** **I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me...** ** Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting....***** **** **** **** **** **** * *

*Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/happy.png


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16-2-2013 11:07 am  #12


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

*woof woof*


They lie on recordings; they lie on oath; their shysters lie on their behalf. Don't believe a word coming from the mouths (2 per person) of any UKBA officer.
 

16-2-2013 6:50 pm  #13


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

An Alcoholic, a Chain Smoker and a Homosexual go to the doctor.

The doctor says: "If any of you indulge one more time you'll die."

As they walk home they pass a bar. The Alcoholic has a shot of whiskey, falls off his stool stone cold dead. His friends are shocked.

As they walk along they come upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground still burning. The Homosexual looks at the Chain Smoker and says: "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"
 

 

22-3-2013 9:18 am  #14


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, Trying to decide who was the one in charge.* * **

**"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." ** **

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." **

**"I should be in charge," said the** **legs**, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." ** **

**"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." **

**"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, So in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, The stomach was bloated, The** **legs **got wobbly, The eyes got watery, And the** **blood** was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss ..

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... The** **ass hole** is usually in charge **


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22-3-2013 9:43 am  #15


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Nine Months Later

John decided to go camping with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. 


After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. 

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend camping.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the camping weekend. 

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our camping holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' 

'She just died and left me everything.'




(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) 

          


Please ensure you do not divulge any information which could identify you as Border Force will use your posts here as evidence against you in court.
Better to live one day as a lion than a thousand days as a sheep'

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22-3-2013 9:45 am  #16


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/grin.png
http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/grin.png
http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/grin.png


http://i45.tinypic.com/24uxqug.png
Please ensure you do not divulge any information which could identify you as Border Force will use your posts here as evidence against you in court.

 
 

22-3-2013 11:10 am  #17


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

I was having a leisurely smoke with a few others outside a pub recently when a man stuck his head out of a mini bus and shouted "If you keep that up you'll soon be dead and so will everyone around you". "Perhaps" I replied"but what's it got to do with you?"
He immediately responded "This school bus is pissing petrol and my kids are inside it with me!"


They lie on recordings; they lie on oath; their shysters lie on their behalf. Don't believe a word coming from the mouths (2 per person) of any UKBA officer.
 

22-3-2013 2:22 pm  #18


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Sir Henry wrote:

I was having a leisurely smoke with a few others outside a pub recently when a man stuck his head out of a mini bus and shouted "If you keep that up you'll soon be dead and so will everyone around you". "Perhaps" I replied"but what's it got to do with you?"
He immediately responded "This school bus is pissing petrol and my kids are inside it with me!"

 



Garryhttp://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/grin.png
http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/grin.png
http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/grin.png


START HERE, By answering these questions. http://n2d.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1526
Useful documents for download : http://n2d.boardhost.com/viewforum.php?id=34
Goods been seized, Start here.  http://n2d.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=78
SOT Thanks to TBD. http://n2d.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=373
 

04-6-2013 8:11 am  #19


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? 

Slow down and use a lubricant. http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/wink.png

 

04-6-2013 8:12 am  #20


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking. 

Lady 1: "What's that?" 

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet." 

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?" 

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore." 

The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. 

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."  http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/grin.png

 

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