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04-6-2013 8:27 am  #21


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

LOL. I like a bit of humour in the morning. Even when the sun shines it still brightens up your day!!!

 

13-6-2013 9:12 pm  #22


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

 

14-6-2013 6:58 am  #23


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

A glass of wine 

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine 
and those who don't and are always 
seen with a bottle of water in their hand:

As Ben Franklin said: 

In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, 
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 
1 liter of water each day, 
at the end of the year we would have absorbed 
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria 
found in feces. 
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.

However, 
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer 
(or rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process 
of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it 's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of Shit. 

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: 
I 'm doing it as a public service


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28-9-2013 12:25 pm  #24


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

The Urine Test!

Who is going to tell Mr Cameron & Co? It seems the perfect solution to save a big fat wad of money.
The Urine test (This was written by a rig worker in the North Sea - What he says makes a lot of sense!)
I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
In order to earn that pay cheque, I work on a rig for a drilling contractor. I am required to pass a random urine test for drugs and alcohol, with which I have no problem.
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.
Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a benefits cheque because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
Please understand that I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet.
I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their arse drinking beer and smoking dope.
Could you imagine how much money the government would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a benefit cheque?
Please pass this along if you agree or simply delete it if you don't.
Hope you will pass it along though, because something has to change in the UK , and soon!

 

28-9-2013 4:27 pm  #25


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Totally agree with that!!

     Thread Starter
 

27-10-2013 12:49 pm  #26


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

=14pxAt the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi................

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.


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27-10-2013 1:36 pm  #27


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Hehe


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31-10-2013 5:28 pm  #28


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

=14px woke up this morning, got dressed and went into the kitchen, where my wife was already fixing breakfast. I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?" I asked her. She said "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk".


Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock".


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31-10-2013 5:35 pm  #29


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Nice one!

JMK

 

01-11-2013 3:22 pm  #30


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and 
it won !!

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey 
that he entered it in the next race, 
and it won that race too.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S 
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of 
publicity that he ordered the 
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another races.

The next day the local paper headline read: 

“BISHOP 
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S 
ASS”.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he 
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a 
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted 
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!!

The Bishop fainted ….

He informed the Nun that she would have to 
get rid of the donkey as soon as possible. 

So she sold it to a local farmer for $10. 
The next day the paper read:

“NUN 
SELLS ASS FOR $10”.

This was too much for the Bishop so he 
ordered the Nun to buy back the 
donkey, and take it to the plains 
where it could run wild. 

The next day the headlines read: 

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is .. . . being 
concerned about public opinion can 
bring you much grief and misery, 
even shorten your life. 


So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and 
you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!


Have a nice day and laugh


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08-11-2013 2:49 am  #31


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Daffodil wrote:

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? 

Slow down and use a lubricant. http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/wink.png

LOL

 

25-11-2013 10:38 am  #32


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood


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28-11-2013 5:55 pm  #33


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long. 

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie. 

Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master. 
Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead. 

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?


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02-12-2013 2:45 pm  #34


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

A tip for Japanese tourists intending on visiting Hawaii. Wait a bit for the lower air fairs.

In less than 16,000 years it will be a WHOLE MILE closer!


They lie on recordings; they lie on oath; their shysters lie on their behalf. Don't believe a word coming from the mouths (2 per person) of any UKBA officer.
 

03-12-2013 9:21 am  #35


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Is Sex Work or Pleasure?

An army Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.  While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. 

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
 
 
A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

 A Captain said it was 50-50%. 

A Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee.  What's your opinion Private?

Without any hesitation, the Private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.."

 The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

 "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." 

The room fell silent.
 
God Bless the lower ranks.


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03-12-2013 11:10 am  #36


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

=20pxThat first drink

I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters.

He didn't like it - I had it.

Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it.

It was the same with Guinness and Cider.

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram.


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03-12-2013 11:15 am  #37


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

=28pxA touching story on how men think…… 



As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? 

You have been with me all through the bad times. 

When I got fired, you were there to support me. 

When my business failed, you were there. 

When I got shot, you were by my side. 

When we lost the house, you stayed right here. 

When my health started failing, you were still by my side... 

You know what Martha?" 

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."


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03-12-2013 3:53 pm  #38


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

The other day I was in a fast food joint eating a burger when a little of the meat dropped onto my donkey jacket. Do you think they might have been intimately acquainted in a previous life?


They lie on recordings; they lie on oath; their shysters lie on their behalf. Don't believe a word coming from the mouths (2 per person) of any UKBA officer.
 

03-12-2013 6:45 pm  #39


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

can tell you wasn't a comedian in a previous life sir henryhttp://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/furious.png






"Aunt Mildred" - this is priceless!!!!

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night ........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a Gunshot wound to her knee

Last edited by warrior (03-12-2013 6:45 pm)


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03-12-2013 6:49 pm  #40


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

=22pxChristmas Joke 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. 

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.' 

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......


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