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06-12-2013 4:27 pm  #41


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. 

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. 

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. 

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass Didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: 

"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: 

"Do you shave?" 

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" 

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department .. Very generously indeed. 

The girl finished her bath and went to bed. 

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" 

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." 

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." 

"Aye," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!


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06-12-2013 5:56 pm  #42


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/grin.png
'kin ace !!! http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/grin.png


I am Homer of Borg, resistance is.............hmmmm doughnuts http://i45.tinypic.com/24uxqug.png
 

07-12-2013 4:18 pm  #43


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

NO SEX Since 1955



A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. 


There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.


"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"


"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."


The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."


"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."


The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."


The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.


Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"


"1955, ma'am."


"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"


She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.


Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 
1955."


The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."


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19-12-2013 9:08 pm  #44


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

SIR HENRY has been caught  with his dick in the Christmas decorations this afternoon.

He's fucking crackers that mon.http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/lol.png


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23-12-2013 10:53 pm  #45


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Text from daughter to mom:
"Hi mom, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend's cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?"

Text from mom to daughter:
"It’s nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out. I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out."

Daughter back to mom:
"Oh my God, mom.......... sorry, I meant to spell gum.


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03-1-2014 1:54 pm  #46


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

So now the romanians are allowed to work in the UK as well.

Well I for one won't be employing any foreigners to work for me. A couple of months ago we had a cleaner for the house and it used to take her nearly 5 hours to clean the front room.............mind you, she was a Slovak http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/grin.png


I am Homer of Borg, resistance is.............hmmmm doughnuts http://i45.tinypic.com/24uxqug.png
 

03-1-2014 4:05 pm  #47


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/happy.png


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13-1-2014 2:34 pm  #48


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English or a computer translation was used.


Getting There: 
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. 
The manager will await you in the entrance hall. 
He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests. 

The Hotel: 
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. 
Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. 
But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. 
We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self. 


The Restaurant: 
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you. 

Your Room: 
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. 
Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity. 
You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts. 

Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. 
If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. 
Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. 
If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers. 

Above All: 
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. 
You will struggle to forget it.


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16-1-2014 4:20 pm  #49


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

I had a good year in 2013 so I told the wife she could have anything she wanted. She said she wanted something sleek and shiny that could go from 0 - 160 in under three seconds.
We had one hell of a row on Christmas Day when she unwrapped her bathroom scales...

 

16-1-2014 6:47 pm  #50


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.

He decides to test it out on his son at supper.

Dad says: "Where were you last night?"
Son says: "I was at the library."
The robot slaps the son

Son says "OK, I was at a friend's house."
"Doing what?" asked the father.
Son says: "Watching a movie. Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son
"OK it was porn!" cried the son.

Father yells "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was.."
The robot slaps the father

The mother laughs and says "He certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother


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18-1-2014 3:33 pm  #51


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocke t, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"


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21-1-2014 8:23 am  #52


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:"Pour some luke warm water over it.

"Wife texts back: "Computer completely buggered now.


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22-1-2014 9:26 am  #53


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood


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26-3-2014 3:03 pm  #54


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

omg.. never laughed so much .. these jokes  are brill http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/lol.png

 

 

04-4-2014 3:01 pm  #55


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Was told that I don't eat healthy enough by the doctor yesterday. He said that he would bet that I didn't even know the difference between a chickpea and a lentil. Soon put him straight on that score.
I told him that I've never paid thirty quid to have a lentil on my face.

Off to Adinkerke in the morning, this will be my first trip through Dover in three years, looking forward to seeing how much their customer service has improved, and to get a look at the new uniforms!

 

23-7-2014 10:31 am  #56


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Lad goes into school and the teacher says to him "where were you yesterday"?
Lad replies "sorry miss me grandad got burnt"
Teacher "I'm sorry to hear that,was he badly hurt"?
Lad replies "They don't fuck about at the crematorium miss"  http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/lol.png

 

12-8-2014 12:14 pm  #57


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.He paused for a moment and then started to leave.The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Lemon SqueezeThere once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Catholic DogMuldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

DonationFather O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?''It is!''This is the IRS. Can you help us?''I can!''Do you know a Ted Houlihan?''I do!''Is he a member of your congregation?''He is!''Did he donate $10,000 to the church?''He will.'

ConfessionAn elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'Man: 'What sins?'Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'Man: 'I'm Jewish.'Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'Brothel TripAn elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.'I'm 90 years old,' he says.'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?''Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

SenilityAn elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.

'Pest ControlA woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!

'Marriage HumorWife: 'What are you doing?'Husband: Nothing.Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'-------------------------------Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'Wife: 'Yes or no.'-------------------------------------------------------- 
Stress RelieverGirl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'------------------------------ 
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?''Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

Last edited by warrior (12-8-2014 12:17 pm)


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29-8-2014 7:56 am  #58


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.I explained to her I was looking for cheap flights."I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, quickly undressedand we had the most amazing sex ever......Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.


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03-9-2014 2:05 pm  #59


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother."Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?""Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes................. "Abracapokus! You're brown!"The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow."Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!""Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true). "Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters.They can spot me from a mile off."
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells..................... "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple."Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"
"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that.""Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?""Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off....................
~
~you know what's coming don't you ?~
~you'll be sorry you ever let me on here after this....~
~
But, never mind, I'm going to tell you anyway
~
~
she flew off, saying.......~
~"Just follow the yellow-dick toad !!


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04-9-2014 11:36 am  #60


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

A  Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new  restaurant.
"Did  you smell that food?" she asked. "It's Incredible!"

Being  a 'kind-hearted  Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat  her!"

So, they walked past it  again...
 

 

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