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04-9-2014 12:02 pm  #61


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

A Jewish man and his wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a long open mouthed kiss and says to him, “I’ll see you later”.

“Who the hell was that?” says the wife.

“That was my mistress.” says the husband.

“I want a divorce!” says the wife, “This is the last straw! I’ve had enough.”

The husband says, “Alright! You’ll get your divorce, but just remember this: there will be no more winters in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more shopping trips to Paris, no more Mercedes in the garage, and no more Yacht Club, etc. etc. But the decision is yours!”

Just then a friend of the husband enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Moishe?” says the wife.

“That’s his mistress”, says the husband.

“Ours is much prettier.” says the wife.


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19-9-2014 2:12 pm  #62


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Ive spent the last 3 nights by my wifes grave its so peaceful in the moonlight, there was an owl calling to its mate earlier and i could hear a rabbit scurrying about, I can see her stood at the kitchen sink peering out of the window,



She thinks ive been digging a new garden pond !!


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24-9-2014 12:15 pm  #63


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

seen this a few times but always makes me smileACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER:This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.Dear Sirs,I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.Do you guys do this by hand?My birth date you have on my pension book.It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.It is on my National Health card.My driving licence.My car insurance.On the last eight damn passports I've had.It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.All those insufferable census forms.Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. 
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?Look at my damn picture.Do I look like Bin Laden?I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!SignedAn Irate CitizenP.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!


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01-10-2014 10:36 am  #64


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out. Then he ate him! morals.



1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

Last edited by warrior (01-10-2014 10:37 am)


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22-1-2015 9:29 am  #65


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Pensioners in Starbucks A group of pensioners were sitting around talking about all their ailments at Starbucks
 
"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one
 
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
 
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
 
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you” said one elderly lady.
 
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
 
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another
 
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another
 
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head
 
The others nodded in agreement
 
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully.

"Thank God we can all still drive.
 


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02-5-2015 5:58 am  #66


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

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Last edited by Johny_MK (02-5-2015 5:58 am)

 

02-5-2015 9:48 am  #67


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

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08-8-2015 12:07 pm  #68


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Here you go ,stereotypical  joke

"A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong. She replies, "I know who the dad is for one of them but I don't know who the dad is for the other one!"

Garry
This is not intended to offend anyone, Just to bring a smile !!http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/happy.png

Last edited by N2Dgarry (08-8-2015 12:08 pm)


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14-8-2015 10:55 am  #69


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

Joke for the day...
Garry


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31-8-2015 2:13 pm  #70


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

If carlsberg did illegal immigrants...

https://twitter.com/_1lucky/status/625371559008538624

JMK
 

 

31-8-2015 4:39 pm  #71


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Haha, think that one is doing the rounds on Facebook as well


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10-9-2015 8:51 am  #72


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2015 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESEThe English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides.

"The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose

."Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy

.Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.Regards,

John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall personAnd as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.Life is too short...

Last edited by warrior (10-9-2015 8:56 am)


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10-9-2015 1:12 pm  #73


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/grin.png
http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/grin.png
  Brilliant!


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10-9-2015 1:41 pm  #74


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Yes, the old ares are the best.


Garry


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16-9-2015 2:29 pm  #75


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work at zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that wrote at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.


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17-9-2015 3:37 pm  #76


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

This one made my day;
( i was dancing with this fat girl in a club and she kept looking at her watch. "It's nearly twelve, " she said, "I'll have to go. " "Why? do you change into a beautiful princess? " I said. "No, you sarcastic twat, " she replied, "the kebab shop shuts at one. "!! ) 
grin emoticon grin emoticon
 

Last edited by N2Dgarry (18-9-2015 10:25 am)


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18-9-2015 5:06 am  #77


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Nice one Garry.

JMK

 

29-9-2015 2:15 pm  #78


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Quite like this one....

I claim the dole under three different names and sickness benefits under two, I receive full housing-benefit and family allowance benefit. I work when the money is good enough but it is strictly cash in hand and off the books. To be honest, I've got a small fortune at the expense of the state without ever giving anything back, but the inefficiency of government agencies means that I'll never be caught.

Self assessment. Tax doesn't have to be taxing.

 Any characters or implications that there are persons like this are purely hearsay. This is just a joke on me and only a joke.

garry

Last edited by N2Dgarry (29-9-2015 2:17 pm)


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08-11-2015 3:56 pm  #79


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Sometimes...when you cry ... no one sees your tears...Sometimes...when you are in pain...no one sees your hurt...Sometimes...when you are worried...no one sees your stress...Sometimes...when you are happy...no one sees your smile....But try masturbating in Asda car park,just one fucking time and see how much attention you get.

Garry


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08-11-2015 3:59 pm  #80


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.

Garry

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