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27-6-2017 7:47 am  #101


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

After some jumped up officer wound me up at Armed Forces Day this one tops the lot................I am livid!!!!!
This sort of treatment makes me think twice about the oath I swore all those years ago. One rule for royalty and one for us commoners.
Got a ticket for undertaking on the M1. Running late yesterday and so I've opted to use the motorway instead of the A38. I joined just before they closed the slip road to allow a royal motorcade with Prince Charles and Camilla in, heading to Cornwall...they were travelling along under police protection but so bloody slow.... They were doing 48 in lane three.. I waited and waited hoping they would move over. . Hoping they would speed up. But they didn't.. I got impatient and used lane 1 to pass them at 65 as they continued to do less than 50.. Stopped by lead police motorcade biker.. He told me off and wrote me a ticket.. I asked "why?" He said its because I saw you "pass the duchy on the left hand side..


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Better to live one day as a lion than a thousand days as a sheep'

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27-6-2017 5:44 pm  #102


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

I was interested in the crack in the wall.  I wasn't interested in the old dear's crack.  After some (actually very brief) consideration, I decided that the crack in the wall wasn't that serious  No way was I moving that potty.

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JMK

 

29-6-2017 9:31 am  #103


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do."Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked."Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."


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Better to live one day as a lion than a thousand days as a sheep'

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26-2-2018 1:36 pm  #104


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

While riding my bike yesterday, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"


"Still in the ditch with my bike, I guess."


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Better to live one day as a lion than a thousand days as a sheep'

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28-3-2018 4:34 pm  #105


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

An African refugee has been in England for two months, and phones his cousin back in Africa.
"It's great here," he tells him. "I go to a place called the pub, and we play this game where we throw little spears at a round target with numbers on it, and I keep winning lots of money."
"What's the name of this game?" asks his cousin.
"I'm not sure," came the reply, "But I think its called jammy b*stard."


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Better to live one day as a lion than a thousand days as a sheep'

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02-5-2018 10:26 am  #106


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

A woman was very distraught that she had not had a date or sex for over five years. She was afraid that there might be something wrong with her,
so she decided to seek medical expertise with the well, known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said 'OK, take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the women did as she was instructed.Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' As she did Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. 'Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'The woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God, Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachery disease?'Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied
'Ed Zachery disease is when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse.'


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Better to live one day as a lion than a thousand days as a sheep'

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07-5-2018 5:36 pm  #107


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

I think that one needs a bit of editing (ie) the last line.  But a good un

JMK

 

10-5-2018 6:43 am  #108


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

A little five year old girl was usually driven to school in the mornings by her Grandad, but one day he had a bad cold so her Grandmother took her.
That night 
the little girl told her parents that the ride to school with Granny was very different.

What made it different? asked her parents.



Well, she replied, Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, foreign prick or wanker on the whole journey.


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Better to live one day as a lion than a thousand days as a sheep'

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10-5-2018 11:19 am  #109


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

Keep 'em coming!     


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10-5-2018 6:53 pm  #110


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

This one is doing the rounds.....

http://i68.tinypic.com/28hpi0z.jpg


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18-5-2018 12:19 pm  #111


Re: We need a jokes section to lighten the mood

I went to the shop Friday afternoon on my bike,

bought a bottle of Whisky and put it in a bag hanging from the bars.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bike, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the Whisky before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home


Please ensure you do not divulge any information which could identify you as Border Force will use your posts here as evidence against you in court.
Better to live one day as a lion than a thousand days as a sheep'

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